We sport our crazy!
I would love to especially thank those who contributed to the massive overdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. It truly has had a huge impact on my life. Oh yeah, thanks to the Doctor who diagnosed your run-of-the-mill PMS as bipolar, people assume they know more about an illness that I struggle with than I do. Every single day, I get mocked, judged, or treated with contempt. Some of that would be a thing practiced regardless, but most, ignorance of well-meaning people. Let me explain my experience with this illness. I am not a Doctor, but I am bipolar:
On a never-ending continuum, I will fluctuate between extended periods of despair and euphoria. I mean despair to the point of ignoring even the most basic self-care needs. The act of taking a shower is exhausting. I want to do nothing but watch Netflix and eat. I feel no joy, even at the happiest occasions, all I want to do is isolate back in my bed and watch my newest binge. I mentally berate myself for not feeling as a mother should feel about her children. I get mad at myself for not feeling the way I am supposed to; the only feelings I feel are sadness, grief, and fear. On and on, day after day, I exist. That is all. Until the one question may start to formulate in my head. If that question comes up, I have to get to a professional, no exceptions.
Then, as suddenly and out of the blue as the former, I wake up on a whole other plane. I don't need much sleep, I want to get up and go do something, anything. I start to think anything is possible, I don't mean in the sense that is what we tell our children, sense, I mean like I can do anything. I get grandiose. I talk fast and pace even faster. People think I am on drugs. I get offended if I am not, but they have been right in the past. If I have money, I spend it, regardless of the bill it was intended to pay. I act very impulsively most of the time, which leads to trouble. I start project after project, sure that it will be a huge success. In all honesty, this is the product of a manic spell. Although, admittedly, it may not be as brilliant as I previously thought.
If I had my choice, I would stay manic, just without the extremely dangerous, risky behaviors. Who wouldn't? Most of my life swings on the depressed side, or a hypo mania that does little more than tick me off because I am hyper stimulated, but I still keep all the depressed qualities. I don't enjoy spending every waking moment waiting for the time I can crawl back into bed. I think that desperation to improve my life is what left me so vulnerable and naive when it came to the medical field. I blindly trusted them. After all, it was their job to make me better, right? The thing is, nobody knows crap. Some may think, others may be convinced, but nobody knows. I only knew I needed to be better, and people claimed that this or that was the answer. They sold it with such conviction, I truly envy them. I wish I could believe wholeheartedly, then it would work. There is the intense judgment that comes with some of these so-called treatments. People preach tolerance, but what they mean is "as long as." Live and let live, so long as it is in a way we approve of. My favorite: Judge Not, Let Me Be the Judge of That.
Every time I have gone into treatment, regardless of the root cause, my mind went into open and desperate mode. I swallowed whatever pill the doc gave, and embraced the therapy like a long-lost family member. Hope would creep in, and I would sigh in relief. Surely, this time would be the time it took. For a while, it would, in some instances, be a long while. Then, these old, destructive thoughts would creep in, one by one, and slowly, behavior would follow. Then, seemingly without warning, an episode would be in full swing, and who knows where I would land. Guilt, self-harm, isolation, and self-hatred are the feelings associated with these moments.
I don't have answers to the bipolar phases, nor do I ever intend on getting one. I am here for a couple of things. First, this is therapeutic, I need to word vomit sometimes, my mind is always spinning, and keeping them in leads to trouble. Secondly, someone out there is struggling like I have; maybe this will help. Lastly, I just want to get established as a writer, I may suck at it who knows. I'm going to bring relevant content that has been researched or is being researched. I am not a Doctor or Therapist, I will never encourage anyone to change anything about their treatment plan, that is above my pay grade. I will take from my own experiences, good, bad, and ugly. Maybe I will do my part in the effort to reduce the stigma around mental illness. As a population, we have to be our advocates regarding medication and find the practitioner who is right for us. Then and only then will our quality of life improve.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=VTgMFcFIH9k&si=N1LAq8O9ztZC_dMz
This tracks for me, how about ya'll?